It hasn’t been a great day, emotionally. Really, not a great week in fact. Most of this week I have been in a spiral of self-hate about my weight and my looks. I am not the skinniest thing walking the street by any means (size 20), but most of the time I am proud of how I look. This week I have felt like the ugliest, fattest cow ever. Everything I put in my mouth came with this internal fat-shaming loop about how I am so fat and unhealthy and unattractive and all this toxic bullshit. It’s been a hell of a time getting through that each day. It doesn’t help when I see pictures of myself that aren’t particular flattering, and make me appear as fat and ugly as I feel. It’s no one’s fault, but it has been a particularly awful week in the self-image department.
It doesn’t help also that it is almost shark week and my body has decided that I need to have like a week plus of PMS symptoms ranging from strong fatigue to moodiness to nausea and days where I want to do nothing but eat all day. So basically I feel pregnant, which I would like to be, but I am not, and there is no reward for the misery. These symptoms are new-ish, at least the nausea, and I could really fucking deal without them. The hormones also aggravate my anxiety and that’s hella fun. NOT.
Work has been a titch slow and that always makes me feel a little edgy as a small business person. I want to get paid and I want our firm to continue to be successful. I know it’s just a blip and there is plenty of work to come, but it’s a consistent stress of wanting to be busy all the time and to make sure that I am pulling my weight at my firm. Being a partner is a really cool thing, and I love being (mostly) my own boss and being in control of my future. But its stressful not knowing exactly when my next paycheck is coming and how much it will be.
It doesn’t help that the hubz is also out-of-sorts and withdrawn again. He was like this last weekend, and part of this week too. Like I posted recently, I try to remind myself that I am not responsible for his emotional state, and I make sure there isn’t drama that I have caused. But even so, his withdrawn nature makes me feel lonely and it affects the vibe around here. His energy is like tired and weird and I am trying not to feed off of it, but I am not being overly successful. I’m also just plain lonely and touch-deprived. When he gets like this he kinda shuts himself off from me, and with him being the midwestern stoic type to begin with, it can be very hard for me to take. He knows this shit affects me, but the pattern persists. I know that I am responsible for my reactions and actions to the environment here, but I wish he could try a little harder not to perpetuate this same dynamic over and over again. A sort of meeting in the middle of growth.
What does this have to do with the title of this post? I have been thinking about times like this. When I feel bad for more than a short time, my mind gets kinda like panicky and wants to do whatever it can to feel better or make the bad feels go away. But honestly? A lot of times I just can’t. Maybe lots of the things are beyond my control. Yes, I know that I can try to change my perspective. I try to focus on what is good and what I am thankful for in life. I try to distract myself with other things. I spend time with my daughter and a myriad of other things. These things help, but they don’t get rid of the feelings. Maybe some bad periods and days or weeks or whatever just have to be shitty or difficult. Maybe I don’t need to try to fix them. Maybe there are times where I just need to accept that I am not going to feel good that day, and accept this for what it is rather than getting stressed about it or trying to fix it. Heh. I don’t know if this is wisdom or depression talking. Maybe it doesn’t matter.