Anxiety makes me one self- absorbed motherfucker, y’all. Today, a friend posted something online that my brain assumes is about me, even though I have no information that this is the case. My brain then starts spinning out a million negative scenarios about how things are going to go to shit with said friend, and that I am at fault, and that I’m going to lose everyone and everything, and be sad and lonely forever. Oh, the drama….
In addition, the hubz is going through one of his off, moody days, which I know for a fact is in part about me, but also about other various things. I am a strong empath, so I can sense these things before I even become conscious of them, and then my anxiety piles on top of them and makes it all even worse.
Its fucking aggravating having to continually have to re-train myself out of these patterns, and to have to have the same conversation a shit ton of times in a row because of the intrusive thoughts that will not go away. Sometimes, my rational brain can even notice pretty quickly that the pattern is happening, but my anxious mind is still a formidable force.
I also for some reason cannot fully accept that I am not responsible for other people’s thoughts, feelings, moods, emotions, actions, etc. There’s this sad little part of me that believes that if i was just more of this, or less of that, or if I was a better person or whatever, that negative things would not happen. Its like there is some fundamental awfulness about me from which all bad things flow. THIS IS FUCKED UP, Y’ALL. And it makes no goddamn rational sense. Not only is it not true, AS IF I WOULD HAVE SUCH POWER OVER PEOPLE. Omigod. smh.