This topic is difficult for me because it is one that I struggle with with the most. Through therapy and a lot of self reflection, I have determined that I have a deep sense of unworthiness, and the majority of the time I do not feel loveable. I also have a of of negative self-image and self-talk, so I don’t think there is a lot of self-love going on either. This is weighty shit that I haven’t really figured out how to fix yet.
What I do know is that my first response to any negative or difficult situation is to catastrophize and to blame or shame myself about it. Its narcissistic in a way, this assumption that all badness is sourced from me. Intellectually, I am aware of this pattern, but so far, that hasn’t helped me much in trying to change it.
What I am really needing to do is work on self-compassion. As much as I can be hard on others and have high expectations, I am the hardest on myself. I have a very hard time looking at and accepting my frailties, mistakes and my soft spots. Rarely do I give myself a break and accept that I am doing my best with the life circumstances that I have been dealt. I’m not sure why this is so difficult.
In the few fleeting moments where I allow myself some self-compassion, it feels like relief. Like a huge weight has dropped off my shoulders. A lightness of being. The hard part is making it last. I crave that state, but it often feels unattainable on a long-term basis. My poor mind and spirit are so restless, negative and conflicted. So stressed and busy and noisy and pressured. I have a hard time accepting this and loving myself for where I am at any given moment.
So that’s my mission right now. Wish me luck. Here’s a meditation that I am going to try today.
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