NaBloPoMo#21: Alone

I couldn’t resist….

Aloneness is something that I struggle with mightily. On one hand, I am a chronic anxiety sufferer with strong abandonment issues. Feeling alone is the worst feeling in the world for this part of me. Being alone validates the awful voices in my mind that tell me no one wants me around, and that I deserve to be alone forever.

But i’m also an introvert with an anxiety disorder who gets overwhelmed frequently and craves solitude. I also have a 5-year old who is the BEST, but often drains my resources. I also have a stressful career as a partner in a law firm that also often leaves me feeling drained. In these times, I require a lot of time and space to myself to recharge.

For me, the worst loneliness that I have ever experienced has been in my romantic relationships- the type of loneliness that happens even though you are with someone. For me, when this happens, I feel invisible and taken for granted. I feel unimportant and worthless. ALL the demons come out to play. I feel powerless and even suicidal. But I also feel ANGRY. That’s the fighter in me. Like, “you know what? FUCK YOU. I have a lot to offer the world and you are turning your nose up at it? GTFO, SON.” It’s a pretty spectacular emotional whiplash that goes on during those times.

If I could eradicate that feeling from the world, I would. For me, it is where my worst pain and trauma have come from in my life. And I have felt a lot of self-shame and blame because after a while you almost think you deserve to be treated that way. Your mind bullshits you in this way, and other times, I shame myself because I have allowed it to happen. So the mind just keeps piling on. Anxiety- the gift that keeps on giving. Ittn that nice.

Photo by Brannon Naito on Unsplash

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